Wicca
Wicca is an hilarious after-school activity in which overweight teenage lesbians form a circle and say funny words while lighting incense, with a Marilyn Manson CD playing in the background. While slightly more credible than Scientologists, Wicca was founded by Gerald Gardner in the 1930's or 40's, depending on who you ask. Despite Gardner's supposed magical powers, he failed to so much as cure his own asthma. It is also amusing to note that his own wife never converted to Wicca and continued going to the local Anglican Church her entire life; Gardner's schism may have rocked the nation, but it also ensured that he would never have sex again. God 1, Garder 0. Beliefs The Wicca belief system is centered around the ability to create magick. However, only two beings have the capability of producing magic(k), The Baby Jesus and Stephen Colbert. Wiccans claim to obtain their magic from their baby feasting rituals. Twice a year, members of this bearish cult gather during the Democratic National Convention to begin their savage hunt. With bears as their pets, Wiccans steal innocent baby Republicans for their feast, while foolishly leaving the Democrat babies alone. Everyone who follows Wicca is un-American, and should be put on notice. They especially hate Bill O'Reilly and all other men, straight or otherwise. International House of Witches Types of Wiccans *Fat Pagan Chicks *Fluffy Bunnies *gay/fake British Wiccas *goth Wiccas *People who've read way too much Neil Gaiman *Incredibly sexy real Wiccans like Willow Rosenberg Common Wicca beliefs * Gay marriage should be legal. * Abortion should be legal. * All living creatures have rights (except for unborn babies). * Bears are good for humanity. * The Baby Jesus was actually a Jew. * Men love to talk after sex. * God has no religion, but loves to dress like a goth chick. * Women's armpits are meant to be hairy. Rituals As a general rule, Wiccans meet deep in the forest, where the bears live, or in the back room of the local independent book store. They then get naked and dance around. This wouldn't be so bad if they would just watch their weight a little and wear real makeup instead of boot polish. Stabbing themselves in the foot by the pale moons light.http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080722/ap_on_fe_st/odd_wiccan_injured_1 In recent years Wiccans have also liked to meet online, and have infested the appropriately named Wikip*dia. There they spew out liberal filth and pollute the world with facty nonsense. The lure of Wicca is clearly strong and evil, and should be considered a major threat to America. Holy Days Wiccan holy days are based on the Wheel of the Year, secretly called the Witches Wheel by the gay/fake British fundamentalist traditions. (See Gerald Gardner and Alex Sanders.) There are eight festivals known as Sabbats. The Greater Sabbats, or Cross-quarter days are called Fire Festivals: *'Samhain' (Hallowe'en or Baby Satan's birthday) *'Imbolc' (Groundhog Day) *'Beltane' (May Day) *'Lughnasadh' (August 1st) The Lesser Sabbats, which coincide with the Solstices and Equinoxes are called: *'Yule' (Christmas, Winter Solstice) *'Ostara' (Easter, Spring Equinox) *'Litha' (Summer Solstice, Aboriginal Day) *'Mabon' (Autumnal Equinox) Origins Wicca was invented by the Baby Satan in the dark ages for overweight lesbians who could not get dates. It quickly spread to America, particularly Taxachusetts. It put down roots there quickly, and even a containment initiative couldn't get rid of the infection. Modern Wicciology . Stephen Colbert's brother found her friend Raven disturbingly hot.]] Famous Members * The Greek Goddess Artemis * Martha Stewart * Hillary Clinton * Abigail Smith Adams * Rosa Parks * Mona Lisa * Matt Damon * Barry Manilow * Zsuzsanna Budapest * Alex Sanders * Silver Ravenwolf * Starhawk * Gerald Gardner External Tubes *Witches invades Africa *Witches continue to plague Imaginary Afrika! *Liburals block Witch Tax! Curses! *How witchcraft is weakening the moral fabric of our Glorious Nation *Witches to be hunted down for not paying magic tax